Failed Spin-offs 2: Tom Cruise Control

Yet another compendium of TV programmes that were just too rubbish to actually get on the TV.

Slinky and the Brain

An ordinary ten-year-old boy dies after his brain is impaled on a popular stair-descending toy in a freak accident. Unknown to the rest of the world, his brain is alive and well, existing in a symbiotic relationship with the Slinky. Together, they plot to take over the world from their hideout in the cupboard under the stairs.

Captain Planet (first draft)

Not technically a failed spin-off, but an early outline of what was to go on to become one of television's most popular franchises.

Captain Planet follows the daily life of a planet—who has risen to the rank of Captain—as it orbits its Sun, and spins on its polar axis once a day.

She-Man and the Mistresses of the Universe

Legendary superhero He-Man undergoes gender reassignment surgery to become She-Man, “The Most Powerful Wo-Man in the Universe”, and battles the evil Skeletoria in an Emmerdale-style catfight.

The Iraqoons

Ralph, Bert and the gang go head-to-head with Saddam Sneer, whilst promoting a Communist agenda. In Iraq, oil drills you!!

Dad's Arm

Arthur Lowe stars as Captain Mainwaring, whose right arm develops localised schizophrenia and begins uncontrollably performing the Nazi salute at the most inopportune moments. Mainwaring struggles to hide his affliction from Sergeant Wilson (John Le Mesurier) while maintaining order in the Home Guard.

The series ended after only one episode when Mainwaring's secret was exposed due to an oversight by the script-writer, and his fellow soldiers were obliged to execute him as a Nazi sympathiser.

Tin

The adventures of an intrepid young Heinz Baked Beanz can who, along with Captain Hadd, Professor Calc, Thom and Thomp and his faithful dog Sn, investigatively report from all over the world.

Round the Twister

Supernatural Australian children's drama—sponsored by Hasbro Games—about the Twister family, lighthousekeepers who resolve disputes with a friendly game of Twister. Every game is invariably won by the lurking ghosts.

Murdoch, She Wrote

Angela Lansbury defects to Sky One.

Watt on Mars

Friendly, inverted-eared alien Watt tries to lead a normal life among humans on Mars. Unfortunately, there are no humans on Mars. Watt returns to his home planet at the end of the first episode.

The Animals of Newpence Forest

As a result of inflation brought on by the decimalisation of sterling, the anthropomorphic animals of Newpence Forest—led by Neil “Dr” Fox and a badger called Moses—must embark on a treacherous journey to Light Beer Park (in Israel) where eternal salvation awaits them.

Saved By The Hell

Mr. Belding, Screech and the whole gang are condemned to eternal damnation for their sins.

The Moyles Family

Popular BBC Radio 1 DJ Chris Moyles and his family sit in their living room watching television, smoking and farting in this hyper-real comedy.

Malcolm in the Piddle

Frankie Muniz stars as Malcolm, who takes up a job in an old folks' home.

The Diamonique Maze

QVC's first foray into gameshows sees Richard O'Brienique guide a team of gullible teleshoppers through a labyrinth of imitation materials. Zones include Mediævalique, Industrialique, Oceanique, Aztique, and Futuristique; the more Diamonique balls the punters can collect in these zones, the more time they will have to collect QVC gift vouchers in the Diamonique Dome (later rebranded “The O2”).

MoreR

ER spin-off produced exclusively for More4.

Pocoyomoloko

Essentially identical to popular children's programme Pocoyo, following the adventures in a nihilistic/zen white plane of an improbably bouncy young boy, a bipedal pink elephant, an asymmetric duck and miscellaneous easily–computer-renderable geometric shapes; but with the addition of Moloko the Russian milkman (complete with his catchphrase, “In Soviet Russia, milk drinks you!!”), Wufa the lime-green alsatian, and an orange velociraptor called Susan. Hugh Laurie lends his voice as the narrator of the new characters.

40

Action drama following the forty days and forty nights Jesus of Nazareth spent in the desert; told in real-time.

Get Your Own Black

The legendary Dave Benson-Philips presents this game show in which kids compete against a bossy and/or embarrassing adult, to avoid being gunged and win the presenter. DBP said of the show, “the replayability factor was seriously under-considered”.

Captain Burgundy and the Minestrone

After the limited success of “Captain Scarlet and the Mystermen”, Gerry Anderson went back to the drawing board to create a new hero. Even indestructibler than Captain Scarlet, only Captain Burgundy can stop the evil Minestrone from turning the world's oceans into a vegetable- and pasta-based soup.

Ralf Schumacher

Clearly.