Fat kids banned

The country is currently in the midst of a nationwide obesity epidemic. It has recently spread to urban areas, affecting towns, cities, villages, hamlets and macbeths all over the United Kingdom. And even in Scotland.

Aaaaaarrgh!

Last October, meanwhile, The Law™ was changed so that people under the age of 18 could no longer purchase tobacco. This has made it somewhat difficult for those people to smoke cigarettes—apparently this was the intention.

Lots and lots and lots and lots of medical research has shown that smoking can cause deadness, which currently suffers from a very high mortality rate in NHS hospitals. By preventing under-18s (officially referred to as “kiddywinks”) from smoking, the Government intends to make fewer kiddywinks dead.

It seems to have worked: since last October, absolutely no kiddywinks at all have smoked anything, except for one thirteen-year-old from Runcorn who mistook a cigarette for a Fireman Sam lolly. Unexpected side-effects of the ban have included the obsolescence of the popular incredulity-expressing phrase “What are you smoking?”.

Similar legislation, regarding under-18s drinking alcohol and under-16s engaging in intercourse sexytime, have resulted in near-zero wankeredness and herpefication rates respectively.

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So, in an attempt to repeat the successful eradication of kiddywinks' naughty behaviour in these areas, and as part of his “vision for Britain (and Scotland)”, Gordon Brown—our sunny-textured Prime Minister—has introduced new legislation designed to “meet the rising aspirations of health standards in Britain (and Scotland)”.

To enthusiastic applause he told the House of Commons today: “We will not reproduce obese children, and will legislate to prevent them”. From this October, it will be against the law for children under the age of 18 to be overweight or obese.

Bathroom scales are to be electronically limited at 155 lbs, and shops will be prevented from selling clothes intended for children of a specific age to younger, fatter children. Schoolchildren's plastic chairs will also be required to abandon much of the structural integrity they have gained over the last decade by reverting to a flimsier design.

In line with the other three naughty behaviour laws, businesses caught disobeying the rules will face fines of up to €1000; they will also be issued a Kiddywinks' Naughty Behaviour Order. Health campaigners have described the move as “an ungainly step in the right direction”.