Failed Spin-offs 2: Tom Cruise Control

Yet another compendium of TV programmes that were just too rubbish to actually get on the TV.

Slinky and the Brain

An ordinary ten-year-old boy dies after his brain is impaled on a popular stair-descending toy in a freak accident. Unknown to the rest of the world, his brain is alive and well, existing in a symbiotic relationship with the Slinky. Together, they plot to take over the world from their hideout in the cupboard under the stairs.

Captain Planet (first draft)

Not technically a failed spin-off, but an early outline of what was to go on to become one of television's most popular franchises.

Captain Planet follows the daily life of a planet—who has risen to the rank of Captain—as it orbits its Sun, and spins on its polar axis once a day.

She-Man and the Mistresses of the Universe

Legendary superhero He-Man undergoes gender reassignment surgery to become She-Man, “The Most Powerful Wo-Man in the Universe”, and battles the evil Skeletoria in an Emmerdale-style catfight.

The Iraqoons

Ralph, Bert and the gang go head-to-head with Saddam Sneer, whilst promoting a Communist agenda. In Iraq, oil drills you!!

Dad's Arm

Arthur Lowe stars as Captain Mainwaring, whose right arm develops localised schizophrenia and begins uncontrollably performing the Nazi salute at the most inopportune moments. Mainwaring struggles to hide his affliction from Sergeant Wilson (John Le Mesurier) while maintaining order in the Home Guard.

The series ended after only one episode when Mainwaring's secret was exposed due to an oversight by the script-writer, and his fellow soldiers were obliged to execute him as a Nazi sympathiser.

Tin

The adventures of an intrepid young Heinz Baked Beanz can who, along with Captain Hadd, Professor Calc, Thom and Thomp and his faithful dog Sn, investigatively report from all over the world.

Round the Twister

Supernatural Australian children's drama—sponsored by Hasbro Games—about the Twister family, lighthousekeepers who resolve disputes with a friendly game of Twister. Every game is invariably won by the lurking ghosts.

Murdoch, She Wrote

Angela Lansbury defects to Sky One.

Watt on Mars

Friendly, inverted-eared alien Watt tries to lead a normal life among humans on Mars. Unfortunately, there are no humans on Mars. Watt returns to his home planet at the end of the first episode.

The Animals of Newpence Forest

As a result of inflation brought on by the decimalisation of sterling, the anthropomorphic animals of Newpence Forest—led by Neil “Dr” Fox and a badger called Moses—must embark on a treacherous journey to Light Beer Park (in Israel) where eternal salvation awaits them.

Saved By The Hell

Mr. Belding, Screech and the whole gang are condemned to eternal damnation for their sins.

The Moyles Family

Popular BBC Radio 1 DJ Chris Moyles and his family sit in their living room watching television, smoking and farting in this hyper-real comedy.

Malcolm in the Piddle

Frankie Muniz stars as Malcolm, who takes up a job in an old folks' home.

The Diamonique Maze

QVC's first foray into gameshows sees Richard O'Brienique guide a team of gullible teleshoppers through a labyrinth of imitation materials. Zones include Mediævalique, Industrialique, Oceanique, Aztique, and Futuristique; the more Diamonique balls the punters can collect in these zones, the more time they will have to collect QVC gift vouchers in the Diamonique Dome (later rebranded “The O2”).

MoreR

ER spin-off produced exclusively for More4.

Pocoyomoloko

Essentially identical to popular children's programme Pocoyo, following the adventures in a nihilistic/zen white plane of an improbably bouncy young boy, a bipedal pink elephant, an asymmetric duck and miscellaneous easily–computer-renderable geometric shapes; but with the addition of Moloko the Russian milkman (complete with his catchphrase, “In Soviet Russia, milk drinks you!!”), Wufa the lime-green alsatian, and an orange velociraptor called Susan. Hugh Laurie lends his voice as the narrator of the new characters.

40

Action drama following the forty days and forty nights Jesus of Nazareth spent in the desert; told in real-time.

Get Your Own Black

The legendary Dave Benson-Philips presents this game show in which kids compete against a bossy and/or embarrassing adult, to avoid being gunged and win the presenter. DBP said of the show, “the replayability factor was seriously under-considered”.

Captain Burgundy and the Minestrone

After the limited success of “Captain Scarlet and the Mystermen”, Gerry Anderson went back to the drawing board to create a new hero. Even indestructibler than Captain Scarlet, only Captain Burgundy can stop the evil Minestrone from turning the world's oceans into a vegetable- and pasta-based soup.

Ralf Schumacher

Clearly.

Failed Spin-offs

Often, once a TV show has run its natural course, or when the channel just needs a bit of easy cash, producers look at ways to reinvigorate an existing television franchise by creating a spin-off series. Unfortunately, for every Frasier there are hundreds—if not billions—of CSI Knaresboroughs.

The following are some of the ideas that were this close to being inflicted on the licence-fee–paying public.

Wacagay

Timmy Mallett spends his school holiday mornings travelling around the UK with his mallet, Pinky, waking people up at 6:30am in order to commit homophobic hate-crimes.

The show was cancelled after ITV bosses decided it was “utterly, utterly, utterly, utterly, utterly, utterly, utterly, utterly, utterly, utterly immoral” to wake people up at 6:30am.

Futureheadarama

A Mackem barbershop/rock quartet are accidentally cryogenically frozen on New Year's Eve and awake to find themselves in 31st century Sunderland. There they join the crew of an interplanetary delivery company who “hope they have a wonderful first day” and “are so happy to have them join the team”—they are so lucky on their first day. And they say “this is the job that people die for—I hope you're ready for the next stage. A lot of people work in the same place; don't let them get in your way”.

Among their co-workers are an alcoholic, foul-mouthed robot who “has no mind”; a pizza delivery boy who “can't raise the energy to get from A to B”; a senile old professor who's “trying not to think about time” and a “stupid and shallow” daughter of rich Martian land-owners.

Upon the series' cancellation, the quartet released a best-selling album based on their experiences.

Father Dead

After Dermot Morgan's untimely death, the cast of Father Ted reassembled for one more series, but the magic just wasn't there.

Nappy Days

Series chronicling the early years of the Fonz, along with his pals Chuckie, Phil and Lil and his spoilt cousin Angelica. In the last episode to be made, Fonzie must return safely to his playpen by jumping over the goldfish bowl on his tricycle.

Winner the Pooh

Michael Winner stars as a happy-go-lucky bear who lives in Hundred Acre Wood with—and sells car insurance to—his woodland pals, Tigger and Piglet, as well as Eeyore, whose Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder is allayed by Pooh's frequent reiteration of his catchphrase, “Calm down, Eeyore”.

Space 1998

Series following the adventures of the National Aeronautics and Space Administration in the year 1998, as they boldly accomplish missions such as launching a telecommunications satellite, adjusting the Hubble Space Telescope's mirrors, and docking with the Russian space station Mir.

Frederick the 6th Musketeer

Abandoned after market research concluded that “they were pushing it with the fifth musketeer”.

Teenage Hero Turtles

Turns out the Turtles' mutancy was critical to their widespread popularity.

Biker Grove from Mars

Popular entertainers Ant 'n' Dec star as super-cool, earring-wearing, motorcycle-riding Martian mice who come to Newcastle-upon-Tyne after being blinded in a paintball war on Mars.

Captain Scarlet and the Mystermen

The indestructible hero of the popular series Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons faces his deadliest foes yet—brightly-coloured, anthropomorphic, geometrically-shaped rings of light, each of whom represents a different aspect of the human condition.

Nightmare

Virtual-reality game show. A team of children must guide one of their cohorts—who wears an upturned metal bucket on their head—through an artificial world in which all their worst fears are played out. At the end of each programme, the team dies.

Queen as Folk

Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II comes out of the closet and divorces the Duke of Edinburgh, her husband of sixty years. This series follows the trials and tribulations of an octogenarian, out-and-proud, modern monarch in 21st-century Soho.

Causality

Intricate science fiction set in a hospital's Accident and Emergency department, dealing with the nature of time and the repercussions of cause and effect.

Fresh Prince of Belarus

Will moves to the former Soviet Republic along with Uncle “Shredder” Phil and the whole family. As the actor who played Geoffrey the butler in the original series was unavailable at the time of filming, Stephen Fry joins the cast, reprising his popular role as “Jeeves”.

Rosie & Gin

Gritty drama following an alcoholic gypsy puppet who lives on a narrowboat with her lover, Sir Jimmy Savile.

Gran Designs

Kevin McCloud follows septagenarian architects as they chase their dream of building their own conservatory.

Ann’s House Party

Ann Summers hosts this Saturday evening family entertainment show from her house in Wizzard's Sleeve. Each week she awards the vibrating Gotcha Oscar to another good-humoured celebrity tricked into having sex on camera. (The show was suspended indefinitely pending Health and Safety's investigation into the nature of the “gunge” used on the programme.)

Starkey & Titch

Oasis drummer Zak “son of Ringo” Starkey and TV gardener Alan Titchmarsh join forces to fight crime, with the help of Graham Norton as “Huggie Bear”.

Through the Keyhole Surgery

Sir David Frost invites a panel of well-known personalities to guess the identity of the mystery celebrity as Loyd Grossman performs keyhole surgery on them.

Challenge Alnwick

With the aid of a two-foot-wide mobile phone, the town of Alnwick, Northumbria, tries to build a community centre for disabled children in just four hours, on a budget of twenty-six pence. Filming was abandoned when it was realised that only a small portion of the town's population would fit inside the Challenge Alnwick helicopter at once, leaving much of the rest poking precariously out of the sunroof.

ITV2

Obviously.