Homonymphobia

Life throws up so many trends and styles these days that we've ran out of words to describe them. The result is that other normal day-to-day phrases are under fire, nay, being bummed by the hippety-hop definitions that have now been attributed to them. Of course, in our wonderful world dominated by sex, drugs and wanky pop "punk" (and who the shitting shit are +44?), they only really tend to carry those themes. Well, not wanky pop "punk" (seriously though, who the shitting shit?).

Below is five of these which have been popular of late.

Waxing lyrical

Singing whilst engaging in sexual intercourse with a candle.

Ant 'n' Dec

Literally "Ant on Deck", by which "Deck" means "penis" and "Ant" means "ant". A major trend, apparently.

Kill two birds with one stone

The male gets catastrophically spliffed up, has sex with two women (or ducks) then murders them. A niche market.

Boning

Simulating sex with a laboratory skeleton that is dressed like Bono whilst eating Bonio dog treats, listening to Radiohead's "The Bends", watching an ongoing crime series featuring David Boreanaz and wearing clothing similar to Dr. Leonard McCoy of Star Trek fame. Widely practised in the Home Counties.

B.B.C.

Ingesting a dose of amphetamines, then taking Mandrax (or Ritalin) and closing by smoking cannabis. Supposedly makes you more racist and, strangely, London-centric.

Is your child doing it? Or your gran? Or you, accidentally, as a slave to trends?

Dirty Sods

Remember when punk was the Sex Pistols? & Buzzcocks? & Siouxsie and the Banshees? Nope, neither do I—I was born in 1985. But I'm aware of the fact that this was once the case.

I've seen too many TV cock-up clip-shows not to know about when the Sex Pistols went on Bill Grundy's mild-mannered daytime chat show (with Siouxsie Sioux among their entourage) and used a naughty word. Then, prompted by a none-too-sober Grundy, used it again.

The nation was shocked, appalled and outraged at these nasty, rebellious punks with their brightly-coloured, stupidly-shaped hairstyles. “God Save The Queen” did dirty things with the top of the charts (which, at the time, meant something), despite—or perhaps partly thanks to—being banned by the BBC and all self-respecting broadcast institutions (which, at the time, included ITV).

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Fast-forward twenty-odd years: wanky pop bands like Fall Out Boy and +44 jump up and down a lot, make vacant-looking faces and use the odd swear-word in an effort to distance themselves from their prospective fans' parents' sensibilities. (& occasionally name themselves after countries' international telephone dialling codes.)

“Omfg loool”, the kids say to their friends; “there well cool”. And so—apathy of “there” versus “their” versus “they're” aside (the former is easiest to type)—the kids become enamored by the wanky pop “punk” bands and buy their records. Or download them, or something. But then they buy their hoodies. Upshot: wanky pop bands get money, fame and all the hair gel they could ever want.

Hooray for cynical marketing!

And I have proof (or evidence at least) that this is just cynical, child-embezzling, marketing spiel designed to line the pockets of the music cabal: The Honda Civic Tour.

The Honda—fucking—Civic—fucking—Tour! (The previous sentence was an attempt to express my incredulity at the entire concept; this sentence is an acknowledgement that it probably failed.)

Now, it may be funkily styled and actually look quite cool; the young-uns of today may actually be buying them in droves; & it may even give your granddad a little fright the first time he sees one; but it's still a fucking Honda Civic. Rebellious it is not. Honda are no free-spirited, authority-eschewing, The Man-it-to-sticking automotive Guy Fawkeses.

I'd even be so bold as to say that they are The Man.

And that where self-proclaimed “punk” bands should be sticking it to The Man, instead they're playing a series of bloody concerts paid for, organised by, & advertising The Man. And that they should have the piss taken out of them for doing so. So:

Aaaaaahahaha! ...Pillocks.

(Hey, let's just ignore the fact that the Pistols have recently performed on many a mainstream late-night American chat show to promote their current attempted come-back, shall we? Or at least let them off this once—even punk legends have to pay for the electric.)

It was so nearly called a “kirn kru”

It's been a busy month here at The Twaddle HQ... what with all the... stuff happening.

...OK, apart from Sir Jean Charles de Menzies resigning as leader of the Liberal Democrats, it's actually been pretty dull (and even that was quite tedious). And so it is to August that we must turn to provide an entertaining narrative, when, despite usually being located just off the A19—a few stops away from the Batcave on the number 23 bus—El Twad HQ found itself in Edinburgh, right in the middle of the Fringe Festival. (OK, maybe not quite right in the middle.)

One of our beloved El Twad dinnerladies had gone out to buy supplies for the El Twad canteen; much to her surprise, though, upon opening the HQ's grand oak front door, the luscious pastures of the HQ's front lawn were absent. In their place was a big road, full of Scotsmen, Scotswomen and Scotschildren, in addition to one or two Scotsrickshaws. Dashing back inside to inform us of the news, she noticed a large sign above the door, reading “Bank Of Scotland”.

—which was weird, because we don't have a large sign above the HQ's front door. Perhaps we should get one.

Intrigued, we decided to take a stroll down the Royal Mile, to peruse the many, varied street performers plying their wares for public enjoyment. But, we thought, a mile's a long way. And we're lazy. So instead, we headed to the garage and fired up the Twadmobile.

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The Twadmobile's an old VW van that's been running on chip fat ever since we saw an item on Top Gear explaining that you can basically just shove a barrel of vegetable oil into a normal diesel engine and it'll still go.

As usual, we had the dinnerladies cook us copious quantities of chips, and shooed the bloody Hoobs out of the back. They seem to think it's their Hoobmobile and insist on borrowing it all the time to interview children about everyday phenomena for their “Hoobopedia”. It took us a while to figure out quite what they were doing—for ages we thought “we're off to see the tiddlypeeps!” was a confession of their mental health status. We still reckon they've just got a cute name for Wikipedia.

Tip: with copious quantities of chips available, Hoobs are easy to lure.

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Whilst driving down the Royal Mile in the Twadmobile, we came upon an old Scotsbloke, who was singing a traditional Scots song, about Scots, and Scotsness. Intrigued, we pulled over to listen, much to the relief of the pedestrians sprawling all over the road, many of whom we'd run over, and of the police, who were keen to prevent the Twadmobile from driving along the supposedly “pedestrian” street (though we were quite enjoying the entertainment and found it far from pedestrian).

The Scotsbloke regaled us with the ancient tale of how the kilt, traditional Scots non-skirt attire, was invented: one fateful morn, many a century ago, a Scotsman (possibly an important one—we're not really sure) was visited by the King of Scotland. Unfortunately, when His Majesty arrived, our plucky hero was in the shower: “Aw, craaap!”, he exclaimed in his entertainingly broad Scots accent. Quickly, and not wanting to annoy the King (for fear of beheadings and such) he donned the only thing he had to hand that remotely resembled clothing—a towel.

When the King inquired of him “What the hell's thaaat? Is that a skerrrt?!”, our hero resorted to his love of Lilt to concoct a suitably believable nonce word to describe his alleged garment. (It should be noted, however, that the Lilt of the time wasn't quite the same “totally tropical” carbonated beverage we know and love today—it was primarily a non-alcoholic variation of grog.)

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Enlightened, we performed a textbook three-point-turn, deftly proceeding into roadspace no sooner had the pedestrians eagerly relinquished it, and headed back to the HQ. Once we'd negotiated the snaking, velvet-roped queue that had inexplicably formed in the garage, we parked the Twadmobile, emerging just as the Hoobs scoffed the last of their chips. They listened intently to our story of the Lilt-loving, towel-wearing Scotsman, then scurried off to add to their Hoobopedia.

Musicians are liars.

I met with Lovefoxxx the other day, and took her up on her offer of making love and listening to Death From Above 1979. I had hardly taken my shirt off by the time the bodyguards came in to remove me from the premises.

Feeling sorry for myself, I travelled to New York to ask Talking Heads if they were interested in some casual suburban arson. Similar outcome - they certainly weren't up for burning down the house. What the hell is wrong with the music world?

I didn't stop believing though, as Journey once told me, so I pushed for one last meeting. Sadly, INXS didn't need me tonight, and told me to just keep walking. Twunts.

Restraining orders are shit.

And to think that the only musician to tell me I'm the best friend that they've ever had is dead. Seems that Fred's passing held me back from stopping him now.

Note to other fans out there: Run DMC don't enjoy you masturbating at their concerts, even though they themselves promote beats to the rhyme.

Scenes from advertisements that everybody should hate with a passion #4

See if you can spot where this one goes all implausible:

1. Man waits in rain.
2. Woman arrives.
3. Man and woman greet each other awkwardly.
4. Man leads woman through rain to car.
5. Car pulls away.
6. Woman compliments car.
7. Car stops.
8. Man proposes to woman.
9. Woman accepts proposal.
10. Woman and man exit car together.
11. Voiceover man interjects:

The new Kia cee'd with a 7-year warranty—now that's a quality commitment.

See how the voiceover bloke is cleverly ambiguous as to whether he meant a commitment to quality, or a commitment that is itself “quality”?

The latter applies to the jovial little tale depicted in the advert, but the former also relates the company's dedication to being really rather marvellous.

“Lol!” an advertising executive exclaims. “That's both affably witty and expresses our dedication to being really rather marvellous! The punters—sorry, our community will love it! Hooray for us!”

Enter the literary foil of an ardent customer within earshot: “Hang on a minute. That's just a tenuous pun—equally, you're likening the car to a risky, life-altering, poorly thought-out, spur-of-the-moment promise.”

“Stfu! ...Sir.” retorts the bigwig.

“And what's with the stupid name? —all lowercase, superfluous apostrophe... Are you trying to look painfully trendy? ...so that a couple of months after buying it, the owner will try to hack the name off the back and thus invalidate the seven-year warranty?”

“We r veh modrn!!” insists the ad-man.

“Besides, do you really want to depict a woman agreeing to marry a man she's just met, mere moments after covering herself with his cee'd?”

The Kia cee'd—now that's a rash decision.

Failed Spin-offs 2: Tom Cruise Control

Yet another compendium of TV programmes that were just too rubbish to actually get on the TV.

Slinky and the Brain

An ordinary ten-year-old boy dies after his brain is impaled on a popular stair-descending toy in a freak accident. Unknown to the rest of the world, his brain is alive and well, existing in a symbiotic relationship with the Slinky. Together, they plot to take over the world from their hideout in the cupboard under the stairs.

Captain Planet (first draft)

Not technically a failed spin-off, but an early outline of what was to go on to become one of television's most popular franchises.

Captain Planet follows the daily life of a planet—who has risen to the rank of Captain—as it orbits its Sun, and spins on its polar axis once a day.

She-Man and the Mistresses of the Universe

Legendary superhero He-Man undergoes gender reassignment surgery to become She-Man, “The Most Powerful Wo-Man in the Universe”, and battles the evil Skeletoria in an Emmerdale-style catfight.

The Iraqoons

Ralph, Bert and the gang go head-to-head with Saddam Sneer, whilst promoting a Communist agenda. In Iraq, oil drills you!!

Dad's Arm

Arthur Lowe stars as Captain Mainwaring, whose right arm develops localised schizophrenia and begins uncontrollably performing the Nazi salute at the most inopportune moments. Mainwaring struggles to hide his affliction from Sergeant Wilson (John Le Mesurier) while maintaining order in the Home Guard.

The series ended after only one episode when Mainwaring's secret was exposed due to an oversight by the script-writer, and his fellow soldiers were obliged to execute him as a Nazi sympathiser.

Tin

The adventures of an intrepid young Heinz Baked Beanz can who, along with Captain Hadd, Professor Calc, Thom and Thomp and his faithful dog Sn, investigatively report from all over the world.

Round the Twister

Supernatural Australian children's drama—sponsored by Hasbro Games—about the Twister family, lighthousekeepers who resolve disputes with a friendly game of Twister. Every game is invariably won by the lurking ghosts.

Murdoch, She Wrote

Angela Lansbury defects to Sky One.

Watt on Mars

Friendly, inverted-eared alien Watt tries to lead a normal life among humans on Mars. Unfortunately, there are no humans on Mars. Watt returns to his home planet at the end of the first episode.

The Animals of Newpence Forest

As a result of inflation brought on by the decimalisation of sterling, the anthropomorphic animals of Newpence Forest—led by Neil “Dr” Fox and a badger called Moses—must embark on a treacherous journey to Light Beer Park (in Israel) where eternal salvation awaits them.

Saved By The Hell

Mr. Belding, Screech and the whole gang are condemned to eternal damnation for their sins.

The Moyles Family

Popular BBC Radio 1 DJ Chris Moyles and his family sit in their living room watching television, smoking and farting in this hyper-real comedy.

Malcolm in the Piddle

Frankie Muniz stars as Malcolm, who takes up a job in an old folks' home.

The Diamonique Maze

QVC's first foray into gameshows sees Richard O'Brienique guide a team of gullible teleshoppers through a labyrinth of imitation materials. Zones include Mediævalique, Industrialique, Oceanique, Aztique, and Futuristique; the more Diamonique balls the punters can collect in these zones, the more time they will have to collect QVC gift vouchers in the Diamonique Dome (later rebranded “The O2”).

MoreR

ER spin-off produced exclusively for More4.

Pocoyomoloko

Essentially identical to popular children's programme Pocoyo, following the adventures in a nihilistic/zen white plane of an improbably bouncy young boy, a bipedal pink elephant, an asymmetric duck and miscellaneous easily–computer-renderable geometric shapes; but with the addition of Moloko the Russian milkman (complete with his catchphrase, “In Soviet Russia, milk drinks you!!”), Wufa the lime-green alsatian, and an orange velociraptor called Susan. Hugh Laurie lends his voice as the narrator of the new characters.

40

Action drama following the forty days and forty nights Jesus of Nazareth spent in the desert; told in real-time.

Get Your Own Black

The legendary Dave Benson-Philips presents this game show in which kids compete against a bossy and/or embarrassing adult, to avoid being gunged and win the presenter. DBP said of the show, “the replayability factor was seriously under-considered”.

Captain Burgundy and the Minestrone

After the limited success of “Captain Scarlet and the Mystermen”, Gerry Anderson went back to the drawing board to create a new hero. Even indestructibler than Captain Scarlet, only Captain Burgundy can stop the evil Minestrone from turning the world's oceans into a vegetable- and pasta-based soup.

Ralf Schumacher

Clearly.

W trufax #26

—facts about George W Bush that are absolutely, definitely true.

#26: he was named in honour of George Formby, Walker Texas Ranger & Shepherd's Bush.

Scenes from advertisements that everybody should hate with a passion #3

Gloria Hunniford. You bitch.

AXA Guaranteed Over 50 Plan really takes the biscuit as well as your gran's money. I hate the tables of funeral costs that they propose, saying the average funeral costs will be well into £2,500 by 2010, just to make sure that you'll feel guilty enough after you die to buy your own coffin and spend cash on church rental costs.

Hell, why don't they extend their welcome gift policy?

1. What about this beautiful carriage clock, with built in personalised death timer?
2. Perhaps £30 in gift vouchers for Rob' Hardware Store to buy speciality rope or knives only?
3. Or this DVD player worth up to TWENTY POUNDS with this free DVD, Kill Yourself Now and Get Your Hard Earned Money to Your Kids to Bury You ASAP with Gloria Hunniford

Sounds more true to AXA's intentions to me!

New Zealand's really gone and done it this time

It seems that Universal Records, the country of New Zealand, popular rappists Akon and Sisqo (remember him?), and pretty much everyone else in the world have lost The Game.

Yes, the just-to-piss-you-off-ly named rapper's actually gone completely AWOL. I'm starting to think he's been planning this for a long time.

W trufax #65

—facts about George W Bush that are absolutely, definitely true.

#65: he hasn't yet noticed that Tony Blair has been replaced by Gordon Brown—he thinks he's just been pronouncing his name wrongly all these years.

Channel 4 news presenter uses the F-word at lunchtime

Earlier today, on one of the many fifty-twelve–inch plasma TVs we have knocking about at The Twaddle HQ, I was watching Channel 4 News at Noon, presented by Krishnan “1990s Newsround Legend” Guru-Murthy.

The final item was about “many” employers having employed (lolpunlol) software filters to restrict their workers' access to Facebook and other such “social networking” sites. Their “reason” (read “excuse”) is that these sites “distract” workers.

Now, any way you look at it, employers who filter access to Facebook are admitting to being really, really shit.

• Maybe their recruitment and firing method is so far from the mark that they end up with the vast majority of their workforce being inherently lazy.
• Perhaps the work their employees are being told to do is soul-sapping, life-draining and tedious beyond redemption.

Hmmm.

• It could be that their discipline procedures are so shite that the employees can't be trusted to forgo using a website when they're told to, even on penalty of sacking.

(Though, to be fair, that last point probably boils down to one of the other two.)

Clearly, the employees aren't using Facebook because they're bored by their work, unmotivated and uninspired, and have an unfulfilling job—that they hate—at which their bosses treat them like children. That couldn't be it. Nope. Definitely not the case there. Boy, would I look foolish if I suggested that!

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At the end of the programme, as usual, Krishnan looked down to his laptop. I detected a glimmer of a wry smile.

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Oh, yeah—the “F-word” is F******k.

Music videos are harder than you think

Here at El Twad HQ, and after much larking about with the Hounds of Love near the A19, we decided to make a music video. Setting a target of 10 days to make a spectacular, it took us 9 of them to pick a topic - Twad Brew. After much assessment of the product at hand, including around 10-15 glasses of "testers", we found we were too rendered to make a song, never mind music video, and promptly collapsed.

However, we found an unsigned band who could: The Schema, with their new song "Those Rules". After ten days, their music video was created - and it's a belter.

On the Lavatorial Etiquette Differences Between the Traditional Genders, or: Leaving the Toilet Seat Up—the Logic Behind the Laziness

Let's divide the populace into two roughly-even groups based on their gender and make sweeping generalisations about each group and its relation to the other, shall we?

So, Men leave the toilet seat up after urinating, because they do so while standing. Women, however, who urinate while seated, become infuriated by this, because they need the seat down, and so have to lower the seat prior to urinating.

Note the symmetry of this arrangement: Men raise the seat before urinating if Women have used the toilet immediately before them; Women lower the seat before urinating if Men have used the toilet immediately before them.

But Women are unhappy with this arrangement, symmetrical and fair though it is, and seek to change it. They want Men to raise the toilet seat before using the toilet, and lower the seat afterwards, even if Men use the toilet immediately before or after them. Women, then, will neither raise nor lower the seat at any time.

Men, however, do not wish to deal with the toilet seat after urination. Before, Men will quite happily deal with it, as necessary preparation for the impending urination. Afterwards, though, Men are satiated and have no further use for the toilet. Men will ignore it and its seat, whatever position the latter finds itself in.

If the seat is down upon their arrival, and must be down when they leave, but may be in any position during urination (which it may, as who's watching?), Men will usually choose not to raise the seat prior to urination, because that would necessitate lowering the seat afterwards. Men do not wish to deal with the seat after urination.

Thus the position in which Men leave the toilet seat is overwhelmingly likely to be the same position the seat was in during urination. Men are not famed for accuracy during urination. Men who leave the toilet seat up are therefore doing a favour to anyone who may want to sit on the toilet seat at a later time.

Tried drugs? If not, work for the Maltesers Creative Department.

I received an Easter egg last April/March/month which Paganism defines as Christ's death/rebirth, which was very nice. Tasty and such. Looking for the token 3-question crossword or dot-to-dot puzzle on the back, I was sad to find a lot of text and a series of surreal drawings of miscellaneous animals enjoying a messy picnic. The words explained the eerie goings on:

George [dragonfly] is flying to Richard's [rabbit] house because today is the day of the Maltesers Meadow Round Picnic. Everyone has been busy for days making round things to eat and drink.

At the Round Picnic everything has to be shaped like a ball.

Richard thinks that Round Picnics are the best because all the food rolls all over the plates and the picnic rug and everywhere.

George is really excited because it's quite windy today so the Round Picnic is going to be even more fun when the wind makes all the food roll even faster and further!

Only now, do I realise as I type this word right here, that this is shameless self-promotion for Maltesers themselves. I'd failed to negotiate the link earlier as I'd devoured the innards of the cardboard cocoa plant sarcophagus in a matter of seconds.

Regardless, what the hell is Mars playing at? What round food is there, and why would you actively encourage children to eat it - on PLATES - on a FIELD - with ANIMALS?

You know what comes in round form? Horse sedatives. And Persil tablets. What would you do if your child was chasing ketamine across a windy field having had the hors d'oeuvres of biological washing liquid already? Easter egg manufacturers: stick to shit quizzes. Please.

Scenes from advertisements that everybody should hate with a passion #2

"You've got a frieeeeennnnd!" muses a friendly-looking bearded chap at the end of the AA's advertisement showing their legion of yellow-coated engineers around the country engaging in Krypton Factor-esque treks to solve car problems. The main bloke's got a good voice too. The advert's a little weird, but largely bearable. What's the problem with it, then?

I have no problem with the AA's adverts - no problem, that is, if they had them without that idiot with the icicles on his beard. He looks like he just doesn't care. It's physically impossible to get icicles on your beard. I certainly wouldn't like a Yeti lookalike servicing my car should it break down. I hate him - irrational, I know - but I hope you look at the image below, or on your screens, and repeat the exact phrase on said image as I do every time I see his miserable icy face. He's an idiot, and winds me up no end.

It's OFFICIAL!

Yes! The Germans in El Twad HQ have been up all night using their "Baby's First Science Kit" (not to be confused with "Baby's First Scientology Kit" which is far more expensive), and after several über-tests (which only Germans can perform, might I add) - two things have been discovered that will shock the world.

1. Hartlepool is at least 1,000 times better than Darlington; not the previous 400 as once thought
2. The centre of the universe has finally been placed: once thought to be an unknown given that the entire universe is expanding at all places equally, it is finally found to be at Port Clarence, Teesport. A government diagram for this natural phenomena has been unearthed and is displayed below.

Scenes from advertisements that everybody should hate with a passion #1

"SOLAR POWERED KILLING SHEEP!"

Oh my God, I can't begin to tell you, young girl, about how much I hate your unfunny, "alternative" view on great inventions on the government-paid advert for teaching or whatever. So many schoolchildren came up with interesting ideas before you in the ad - what the hell would such an invention create in our modern world aside from your moronic laugh?

I hope that, someday, I get a doctorate in Ruminant Quadraped Studies with Advanced Bioengineering and Renewable Energy so I can build one of these creatures, lock you in a barn with it and see if you feel it was a worthy decision to let somebody take your idea and turn it into reality.

Things you didn't know about Europe, part 1

I've never understood why many people see Spain and Italy as two separate countries. What many don't know is that they're both the same country, just split by that French lot. The facts to support it are obvious:

• Both speak the same language
• Both are Catholic areas
• Both are good at football.

And now you know. Case closed.

W trufax #43

—facts about George W Bush that are absolutely, definitely true.

#43: as an aide-mémoire, he has “left” and “right” sewn into his socks.

Formula 1 Drinking Criteria

At the start of this year's Formula 1 season, I set about investigating the waning popularity of F1 as a televised sport. I ended up identifying a selection of the things that people most want to see when they watch F1.

If there was more of this sort of thing F1 would, I reckoned, be much more popular. But as it stands, these things come up preciously rarely. So, I concluded, you might as well make the most of them when they do.

Now: you should never get drunk and drive a car—that much is clear. But it is OK to get drunk whilst watching other people drive cars, quickly, on a television. (Only when you're watching it using a television—if their cars are actually on top of the television, you have bigger problems.)

From the conjunction of these two ideas sprang the following scheme to enliven lacklustre Grands Prix, in the absence of more of the excitement from which we're now deprived and that we so dreadfully crave:

Imbibe a mouthful—or other convenient unit—of your favourite alcoholic beverage upon each occurrence of each of the following:

1. Crashing
2. Overtaking
3. Fire
4. The Safety Car
5. Michael Schumacher
6. Spinning out
7. Explosions
8. Bits falling off cars
9. Cars leaving the ground
10. Murray Walker

For competitive play, you could each choose a couple of different criteria, and the winner is the first person to get the hiccups.

Of course, adding Lewis Hamilton to that list would just be silly. So only do that if you have plenty of booze.

[[Insert self-reference and recursion here]]

[[Incisively witty, post-modern, deconstructive meta-humour that presents reality in a slightly-exaggerated—yet eminently familiar—way, to either reinforce (safe comedy) or subvert (edgy comedy) preconceived notions (though in the latter case, ironically, re-expressing the preconceived notions in the process of subverting them).]]

9 Other Things the BBC Fabricated

1. Natasha Kaplinsky is actually one of those retro, '60s-type-futuristic robots, like that one out of the Jetsons.
2. None of the National Lottery “jackpot winners” ever won more than a tenner.
3. Daleks don't exist.
4. Alan Johnston was just a victim of a prolonged, BDSM-related mishap. (Too soon?)
5. Philip Schofield's hair colour
6. Pudsey's actually deaf, but the producers thought that that wouldn't come through as well on screen (this explains why he never speaks).
7. The “House of Commons” is filmed in a studio just outside Manchester.
8. That bloke who was accidentally interviewed on News 24 that time—he was a publicity stunt.
9. Anne Robinson's face

Failed Spin-offs: video games

Grandma Turismo

Designed to appeal to the older market, who are severely under-represented in the modern gaming culture. In it, you have the choice of any pre-80s hatchback, designed to get Grandma to the shops for more cat food, or to the doctors to sort out her intermittent migranes. Winning the 24-Hour Grimsby Cup can win you the coveted fibreglass Lada with a whopping 83bhp.

Super Monkey Balls

Guide Ai-Ai, Mee-Mee, Gongon and Baby through the various stages of increasing difficulty in search of testicles which, upon possession, makes them turn into Super Monkeys.

Need For Speed: London Underground

Search the various train stations of the capital city in search of amphetamines, making sure not to attract too much police attention.

WipEout 1897

Karl Benz’s “Velo” of 1894 celebrates its third birthday in this slow-paced German import in which drivers must compete over several areas of the globe, including Prussia, Cape Colony and Dominion of Canada. Cup races include the Gold Rush Challenge on the Klondike River and the Diamond Jubilee Derby in London.

Womb Raider

Designed to test your gynaecology skills in this first-person baby creation game, the title was withdrawn early due to extreme graphic content and feminist pressures.

Brian Lara‘s Crickets

Turns out that the record-breaking West Indian sportsman was a keen entomologist. It also turned out that everyone else was not.

Quaker

A mild-mannered member of the Religious Society of Friends meets his match as he enters another world through a Slipgate in order to, ultimately, defeat Shub-Niggurath in this unofficial spinoff from the Doom franchise. Although the level design and initial gameplay were encouraging, the lead character’s insistence upon sitting still, in silence, for up to hours at a time proved to be a hindrance.

Tekken Fag Tournament

Yoshimitsu, a lifelong Lucky Strikes fan, duels with Jin Kazama, an avid Marlboro Reds smoker, in this smoke-a-thon to unlock rare blends of tobacco.

The game was a failure for so many reasons; tobacco promotion and projected titular homophobia to name but a few. The real reason it was considered to be a flop was that no-one was ever a winner, and that the only way you could die was after 25 hours of gameplay, at which point cancer would set in. Even then, half of the time the characters still didn’t die.

Dirge Racer

Ridge Racer’s rather grim sequel resulted in intentionally slow driving, hearses only available in black and a soundtrack that reduced gamers to tears. The tagline “dead good” also helped Namco gain record complaints.

Shadow of the Colostomy

A young man called Wander travels across a vast land with his horse, Agro, in search of giant colostomy bags who reign supreme and affect the life of his lady friend, Mono. The preceding game already featured too many dark colours; the over-inclusion of brown did not help the sequel.

Rape Escape

Fugitive apes on heat, dispersed through time, descend upon anything with a pulse in this tasteless sequel to the first game on the PlayStation that required a Dual Shock. The game provoked the media to defend primates around the world by constantly playing that old clip of David Attenborough whispering into the camera about how great apes are, and how they are really nice, crap like that. You know the one. He’s kind of crouched at the front and they’re behind, generally messing about, playing up to the camera.

Transgenders

Optimus Prime becomes Optima Prime in a cars-to-fembots game designed to unite the gender-unspecific community of the world with the robotics industry. Gameplay waned after Optima found a split end after two steps on level 1-1.

GoldenPie

In a movie game spin-off’s spinoff, British super spy James Bond takes his latest campaign to Russia in search of Alec Trevelyan, who plans on using a giant satellite to destroy the world’s pastry and meat reserves in order to rid his life of his most hated foodstuff. James, being a true gentlemen, blows everything up in order to keep his beloved lunch.

Blast Corpse

Rare, Ltd. really hit a low with this early N64 title in which a crack team of demolition experts have to destroy buildings that get in the way of a slowly-moving, nuclear-powered corpse that could explode on contact with anything.

It also resulted in a successful lawsuit from Capcom who were miffed at the prospect of a competitor to their Resident Evil franchise.

Poland

It's a bit dusty nowadays here at The Twaddle HQ (off the A19, five minutes' walk from Gunpoint). We should never have left the Twaddlebot in charge without teaching it basic housekeeping skills. Or at least giving it an MP3 of I Want To Break Free.

To be fair, it probably wouldn't've done any housework even if it knew how: it's a right lazy get. So to save it the effort of having to hammer out a website every time some chump stumbles upon El Twad, we bought it a hamster. Called Blogger.

Blogger's a chirpy little bugger—she runs round in her wheel all day, generating a whopping 1.21 gigawatts of electricity. And we use Blogger to power The Bollocks. We've... kind of... integrated her into the Twaddlebot... sort of like the Megazord. We wouldn't've thought you could connect a hamster to a bag of old ZX Spectrum bits either, but as it happens, you can.

Yeah. “The Bollocks”. 'Cos we just realised (about three-and-a-half years too late) that “The Bollocks” would've been a better name than “The Twaddle”, (particularly given the reason we had to change it from “This Wasn't A Tree” in the first place (there's history (also, an apostrophe inside double brackets looks quite rude... ((')) ...yeah))), so we're using the name here instead. Sneaky, eh?

Anyhow, we've now got this new Twaddlebot/Blogger combination—“Blogglebot”? “Twaddleblog”? “Twbloddgleberot”?—running the show. Which is great! The ...Twaddggerblot... is far more efficient than it used to be—even our Germans are impressed. Not wanting to be outdone, they've been Twad Brew-ing at double-speed—Doppeltstärketwadbrau, they call it. Let's just hope the Twaddlebot (those other names sounded far too Welsh) doesn't start invading Poland or anything... that'd be unfortunate. And really politically incorrect.

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We begin The Bollocks, uncannily enough, with a compendium of Failed Spin-offs.

Failed Spin-offs

Often, once a TV show has run its natural course, or when the channel just needs a bit of easy cash, producers look at ways to reinvigorate an existing television franchise by creating a spin-off series. Unfortunately, for every Frasier there are hundreds—if not billions—of CSI Knaresboroughs.

The following are some of the ideas that were this close to being inflicted on the licence-fee–paying public.

Wacagay

Timmy Mallett spends his school holiday mornings travelling around the UK with his mallet, Pinky, waking people up at 6:30am in order to commit homophobic hate-crimes.

The show was cancelled after ITV bosses decided it was “utterly, utterly, utterly, utterly, utterly, utterly, utterly, utterly, utterly, utterly immoral” to wake people up at 6:30am.

Futureheadarama

A Mackem barbershop/rock quartet are accidentally cryogenically frozen on New Year's Eve and awake to find themselves in 31st century Sunderland. There they join the crew of an interplanetary delivery company who “hope they have a wonderful first day” and “are so happy to have them join the team”—they are so lucky on their first day. And they say “this is the job that people die for—I hope you're ready for the next stage. A lot of people work in the same place; don't let them get in your way”.

Among their co-workers are an alcoholic, foul-mouthed robot who “has no mind”; a pizza delivery boy who “can't raise the energy to get from A to B”; a senile old professor who's “trying not to think about time” and a “stupid and shallow” daughter of rich Martian land-owners.

Upon the series' cancellation, the quartet released a best-selling album based on their experiences.

Father Dead

After Dermot Morgan's untimely death, the cast of Father Ted reassembled for one more series, but the magic just wasn't there.

Nappy Days

Series chronicling the early years of the Fonz, along with his pals Chuckie, Phil and Lil and his spoilt cousin Angelica. In the last episode to be made, Fonzie must return safely to his playpen by jumping over the goldfish bowl on his tricycle.

Winner the Pooh

Michael Winner stars as a happy-go-lucky bear who lives in Hundred Acre Wood with—and sells car insurance to—his woodland pals, Tigger and Piglet, as well as Eeyore, whose Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder is allayed by Pooh's frequent reiteration of his catchphrase, “Calm down, Eeyore”.

Space 1998

Series following the adventures of the National Aeronautics and Space Administration in the year 1998, as they boldly accomplish missions such as launching a telecommunications satellite, adjusting the Hubble Space Telescope's mirrors, and docking with the Russian space station Mir.

Frederick the 6th Musketeer

Abandoned after market research concluded that “they were pushing it with the fifth musketeer”.

Teenage Hero Turtles

Turns out the Turtles' mutancy was critical to their widespread popularity.

Biker Grove from Mars

Popular entertainers Ant 'n' Dec star as super-cool, earring-wearing, motorcycle-riding Martian mice who come to Newcastle-upon-Tyne after being blinded in a paintball war on Mars.

Captain Scarlet and the Mystermen

The indestructible hero of the popular series Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons faces his deadliest foes yet—brightly-coloured, anthropomorphic, geometrically-shaped rings of light, each of whom represents a different aspect of the human condition.

Nightmare

Virtual-reality game show. A team of children must guide one of their cohorts—who wears an upturned metal bucket on their head—through an artificial world in which all their worst fears are played out. At the end of each programme, the team dies.

Queen as Folk

Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II comes out of the closet and divorces the Duke of Edinburgh, her husband of sixty years. This series follows the trials and tribulations of an octogenarian, out-and-proud, modern monarch in 21st-century Soho.

Causality

Intricate science fiction set in a hospital's Accident and Emergency department, dealing with the nature of time and the repercussions of cause and effect.

Fresh Prince of Belarus

Will moves to the former Soviet Republic along with Uncle “Shredder” Phil and the whole family. As the actor who played Geoffrey the butler in the original series was unavailable at the time of filming, Stephen Fry joins the cast, reprising his popular role as “Jeeves”.

Rosie & Gin

Gritty drama following an alcoholic gypsy puppet who lives on a narrowboat with her lover, Sir Jimmy Savile.

Gran Designs

Kevin McCloud follows septagenarian architects as they chase their dream of building their own conservatory.

Ann’s House Party

Ann Summers hosts this Saturday evening family entertainment show from her house in Wizzard's Sleeve. Each week she awards the vibrating Gotcha Oscar to another good-humoured celebrity tricked into having sex on camera. (The show was suspended indefinitely pending Health and Safety's investigation into the nature of the “gunge” used on the programme.)

Starkey & Titch

Oasis drummer Zak “son of Ringo” Starkey and TV gardener Alan Titchmarsh join forces to fight crime, with the help of Graham Norton as “Huggie Bear”.

Through the Keyhole Surgery

Sir David Frost invites a panel of well-known personalities to guess the identity of the mystery celebrity as Loyd Grossman performs keyhole surgery on them.

Challenge Alnwick

With the aid of a two-foot-wide mobile phone, the town of Alnwick, Northumbria, tries to build a community centre for disabled children in just four hours, on a budget of twenty-six pence. Filming was abandoned when it was realised that only a small portion of the town's population would fit inside the Challenge Alnwick helicopter at once, leaving much of the rest poking precariously out of the sunroof.

ITV2

Obviously.